Apprehend an UnderstandingA crossing of red, marked thighs of the dead.
This is an interesting piece. I shall be honest, and say first off that I am still relatively unsure of your concept and meaning with this poem - I didn't entirely understand what you wanted me to feel, or what you were trying to evoke in me as the reader - but one is meant to take their own personal interpretation of a poem, and for me, this piece was about someone who was punishing themselves for feeling lust towards a forbidden person; probably a friend. A sensation of lust, for an act of trust was my clue for this.
Grammatically, I would like to make a few points if you don't mind. Firstly, although the rhythm was fairly sound in the rest of the poem, I felt the first stanza was choppy and the constant pauses due to the periods at the end of each line put me off rather a lot. I feel it reads a lot better and smoother with them removed. In the second stanza I noticed a misspell; Misstress should be 'Mistress'. I liked this line, however. It was powerful and the way it felt as though it should be shouted reminded me strongly of the Phantom of the Opera, for some reason.
Towards the end of the piece, I felt the period at the end of making faces at was very unnecessary and made it initially difficult to understand that line, assuming it continues into My selfish pity. Here, I would like to ask the meaning of the words. Although 'selfish' made a lot of sense and was relevant to my interpretation, who do you pity? Do you pity yourself, after torturing yourself for wanting a person you cannot have; but if that is the case, why would it be selfish?
I am sorry if I seem terribly blunt, or you don't agree with me. Feel free to disregard my thoughts. I did enjoy the piece and found it to be rather dark, and perhaps the mystery you have created here is put to good effect. I look forward to hearing your thoughts.
I'll be the first to admit that grammar and spelling aren't my strong points (which is slightly ironic for someone who enjoys reading and writing as much as I do). So I really do appreciate all the help I can get in that area, which you always seem to do so beautifully! Oh and I never think your advice is blunt, if anything your comments, I look forward to getting! So no need to apologise in my opinion.
Thank you once again for taking the time to over a piece of mine, I'll be reviewing it in the next few days.
I am so glad you appreciate my advice. It always makes me smile to know my thoughts are being put to good use. I look forward to seeing what you do with this piece in the future.