Playing marblesOnce, I´ve ended up in London
I have rarely seen literary pieces on deviantART that tackle issues such as illness, disease and physical debilitation, so I have to applaud your originality of concept and understanding here. I feel you have made a brilliant attempt in conveying the pain and confusion associated with slowly losing sight. I myself felt emotionally attached and sympathetic to the narrator as they explain what is happening to them, in relation to how things were when they were young. Your powerful emotive language - Everything very far from my hand - contrasted with the first-off, happy-go-lucky attitude of the narrator - Buildings which looks like castles - as they really are, I saw! is incredibly poignant. I myself was put into a rather dour mood (but, you should take this as a compliment!)
Although I am aware that you have translated this piece from your mother tongue, as translation is never entirely accurate there are more than a few grammatical and spelling errors. However, despite being rather obsessed with grammar, I actually found this added to the piece rather than being a hindrance. It made me feel as though the narrator was slowly losing more than just their sight, but their understanding of the world around them and their ability to communicate (topics which I felt were sadly, but beautifully referred to in ...wanted me to remember / My destiny as an energetic child / Who needs to play even as adult being). However, if you did want a proper grammatical translation, I would be more than happy to help you.
In response to your questions; I believe that you definitely conveyed the disease well metaphorically - particularly in the eleventh stanza - and I found the descent into blindness fascinating. Like I said, I would be happy to help you with the grammar and spelling mistakes, if you so desire. Keep up the wonderful work and I hope to see more of it.
Great, thank you a lot for the critique! So happy that it could get in your emotions. If it´s not much trouble to you, i´d love to know the English mistakes or strange usage you detected, please.
It was my pleasure, as it would be to help you with the English mistakes. Would you like me to note you with them? I am currently away for some of the weekend, but I will be able to send you a detailed edit on Sunday evening if you would like.