CommentsI much, much prefer it. The final line now sounds and works better with the emotion and imagery of the piece.
However, because this is a critique; there is a misspell. It should say 'leaves', not leafs. Thank, =CJWilde.
Even while reading this piece (before reading your lit crit) I thought to change the last verb. I have no idea whether you or anyone else will like it more, but it'll have to stay today. My eyes are already blurred and I must rest them again. Hmm. I think I'll try an audio book next. Already took my morning walk and can't write or read anymore. PS. I'm glad punctuation is okay, at least for some. |
For my critique, I must say that I do not think the phrase "loved it" works particularly well here. I am not sure why. Perhaps it sounds too cutting on the tongue, too harsh after the soft phrasing of the previous line (which, on that note, I adored). The imagery associated with the "seeds of new growth" from "scattered mulch" is strong and evocative. I personally see a farm or woodland, bursting with snowdrops and primrose and young saplings, ready for "Fall's children" to enjoy. Here, I see young children crunching on leaves as the cycle prepares to begin again. The imagery of this cycle is perfect.
From my knowledge, using punctuation in haiku is fine - I do it all the time, in fact - and your use of the period at the end of the second line works well to disassociate the first part of the haiku. However, like I said, I feel a different phrase would work better to finish on.
Of course, we have entirely different writing styles and I do not mind if you disagree; let me know what you think! Otherwise, I wish you the best and keep up the good work.