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:iconcjwilde:
I did enjoy this piece. You have managed to capture everything a haiki should be, rather than what a lot of haikus I see around the site fail to do; that is, a haiku is focused around ideas of nature and time, and you have portrayed the feeling of the passage of time wonderfully.

For my critique, I must say that I do not think the phrase "loved it" works particularly well here. I am not sure why. Perhaps it sounds too cutting on the tongue, too harsh after the soft phrasing of the previous line (which, on that note, I adored). The imagery associated with the "seeds of new growth" from "scattered mulch" is strong and evocative. I personally see a farm or woodland, bursting with snowdrops and primrose and young saplings, ready for "Fall's children" to enjoy. Here, I see young children crunching on leaves as the cycle prepares to begin again. The imagery of this cycle is perfect.

From my knowledge, using punctuation in haiku is fine - I do it all the time, in fact - and your use of the period at the end of the second line works well to disassociate the first part of the haiku. However, like I said, I feel a different phrase would work better to finish on.

Of course, we have entirely different writing styles and I do not mind if you disagree; let me know what you think! Otherwise, I wish you the best and keep up the good work. :aww:
The Artist thought this was FAIR
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Comments


:iconxlntwtch:
*xlntwtch Apr 14, 2012   Writer
:icondownarrowplz: What d'you think now? I'll look late tonight or so. No hurry and no worry.
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:iconcjwilde:
~CJWilde Apr 14, 2012  Student Writer
I much, much prefer it. The final line now sounds and works better with the emotion and imagery of the piece.

However, because this is a critique; there is a misspell. It should say 'leaves', not leafs. :aww:
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:iconxlntwtch:
*xlntwtch Apr 15, 2012   Writer
yep, i saw that. thanks again. XD
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:iconxlntwtch:
*xlntwtch Apr 14, 2012   Writer
Thank, =CJWilde.
Even while reading this piece (before reading your lit crit) I thought to change the last verb.
I have no idea whether you or anyone else will like it more, but it'll have to stay today.
My eyes are already blurred and I must rest them again.
Hmm. I think I'll try an audio book next.
Already took my morning walk and can't write or read anymore.
PS. I'm glad punctuation is okay, at least for some. :love:
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:iconcjwilde:
~CJWilde Apr 14, 2012  Student Writer
I am so glad I could be of help, even if I was merely pointing out something you knew already!

Enjoy your audio book. :huggle:
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:iconxlntwtch:
*xlntwtch Apr 15, 2012   Writer
thank you, cj!
i put the new med in my eyes and went to sleep instead.
now i'm awake in the middle of my night and want to write. i think i'll try that.
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